Groanings

And possible weeping and gnashing of teeth. The black hole of my ADD brain is reaching its inky fingers into my heart and soul, chanting hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. Everywhere I turn there is some area of my life that needs work; that needs planning and execution of a plan. Everywhere I look there is something I want to improve about myself or my surroundings. I know I've read that it's important to focus on my strengths, but that is not easy to do when said strengths are not readily visible. And it's been this way so long, I'm not certain I remember what they were (are?).

Today's sermon was on the parable of the ten talents. I am beginning to hate that story. I don't know what I'm supposed to take from that. And since there is nothing I can point to and say, "here, God, is your return on your investment in me", I am left to conclude that I am the wicked and lazy servant who buried their talent. Just to state the obvious - how the heck does that help me live the life God wants me to live?

This ADD feels like a large vehicle parked on top of me. I can't see, at this moment, how I will ever accomplish anything beyond keeping my family from starving or freezing to death. I always thought I had so much to offer, could accomplish fantastic things. Now, it seems, I have to lower my expectations waaaaaaay down, look around me and say, "this is all I'm capable of." It doesn't feel right. My brain is yelling at me, "There's no reason you can't rock this life." But it seems I can't.

Feelings

I have them! It's amazing!

A little context: Diagnosed a couple years ago with Bipolar Disorder. Had a variety of medications to manage this. Have recently reduced a couple of these medications and am now finding myself feeling all kinds of things - like joy and inspiration, and mischievousness, and adventurousness, and hope! I am a little worried about the possibility of this being a prolonged manic state. And I am ticked that I can't just be happy without worrying that me being happy equals crazy. But I've decided to enjoy feeling things again and hope that the feelings are a good sign for me and the future. I have read that the drugs I was on can be very numbing, so I hope I am simply shedding this mantle of numbness and reconnecting with the emotional side of myself.

Love

"What if my greatest disappointments,
and the aching of this life,
are a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?"
Laura Story, Blessings

I want to be loved in that place where I feel unlovable. In that place where people in my life have failed to see past my sin and weakness and ugliness to the beauty God created uniquely within me.

Lord, let Your Love sink down and saturate every depth of my heart, so that I can say with all my intellect, will, and passion that You are what people need; You are the One we need to follow, to seek after with every piece of our broken hearts until we know we are created and loved, redeemable and redeemed.

Sunset

I now know what has been missing from my life - sunsets!! I stand on the deck every evening and look out over our property and the horizon and I think - that is the most beautiful part of the day. And Iève been missing it all these years!

Today the sun is breaking through the day-long cloud cover just in time to nestle behind the trees across the way. The neighbourès barn glows red through the Russian willows and the grass is an enticing springtime green.

Living in the Country

Watched a perfect Manitoba sunset as my children played beneath the branches of a huge old tree and my husband shimmied up said tree with a ladder carefully balanced in the bucket of a mini skid steer (like a miniature loader).

Emotional attachments

I am addicted to Starbucks blueberry scones. This isn't news to me, I am well aware. However, for the past 2 weeks I haven't been eating them, or much of anything else, due to a lot of gall bladder inflammation (read PAIN). But today I had one anyway, even though surgery is only a few days away. Surely I could say no to a scone for a few more days. But I could not say no, which led to the realization that I am emotionally attached to these scones. How does that even happen?

I think I've probably been forming these attachments most of my life. But as I think about it at this moment, when the simple fact is eating this thing could cause great pain, I am really confused as to how we get attached, emotionally, to food. I don't get attached to rocks or household objects. Why do I form these attachments to foods? How do I break them? What need are they meeting that I'm not aware of?

Waking Up

So, today my dilemna is how to wake up in the mornings. This used to come naturally at one point in my life, but now it is a 4 hour battle. First off, I know I should go to bed earlier. But let's just imagine that at this juncture in time, with my husband working till 11 pm every night and major painting and vinyl-ing and housecleaning projects ongoing as we face the crunch of trying to sell our house ASAP, going to bed early isn't plausible. Regardless of when sleep phase is entered - it needs to be exited at 7 am. Kids can't get themselves off to school yet. Now I have been known to go back to bed and sleep until 11 am. But this takes a big chunk out of my potential productivity for the day. The problem is, after the kids go to school, I am still half asleep.

And I just lost the entire next paragraph due to finger malfunction. End of story - I'm so tired I ache and the need to sit (inevitably leading to sleep) is stronger than my conviction that I must work. So I'm looking for a way to trick myself into feeling more awake. Like I used to when I had to go to work. I just tripped and landed in the shower and instinct took over and by the time I was done - Voila! I was awake! But try convincing yourself to get up 15 minutes earlier to shower first thing when you don't have any time pressure in the morning. Maybe I should reward myself for waking up and showering before the girls are up. That actually sounds intriguing.

Frustration

Wall. Head. Pound.

Frustration. Trapped. Suffocated by walls of clutter. Drowning in a life of paper and ponytail holders. There is no simplicity to life anymore. Wherever we are, whatever we do, we are inundated by paper. We don't ask for it, we even do our best to stop the flow, but here we are in a sea of it.

I can't stop it. And it seems inevitable that it will one day reach the ceilings and the house will officially belong to the paper - possession is 9/10, so they say.

I'm wracking my brain and I got --- nothing. Maybe if I took my kids out of the public school system. That would help. My husband could quit his job and we could grow our own food. Maybe we could be the first completely wireless family - no paper whatsoever!

Except how would that impact my notebook fetish? I'm not ready to give that up. I love those notebooks.

Wall. Head. Pound.