Life

Boy, life just keeps going on, doesn't it? No matter how hard it gets, no matter how I respond to it - it just keeps moving on.

I think I am newly seeing my non-omnipotence. When I feel like stopping, quitting, picking up the pace, being someone else - whatever action I take on the basis of those feelings, life continues on its course in large part unaffected by me. I can change a lot of things in an attempt to control what I can't control, but ultimately I don't affect what comes my way - who comes into, or goes out of my life, or my kids' lives; what happens to my country's governance or economy; how the earth turns and groans under the burden of sin; or even the chemical and physical processes of my own body. The list of what I don't control is very, very long.

It makes me wonder what I could otherwise do with the energy I expend on attempts to control life. Especially if I put that energy toward changing something I could change - like me, or a situation near me that needs some working on.

I have often wondered about parts of the Bible that talk about helping the poor, caring for the needy, praying for everything, sharing the good news - who has time for all that? I feel I don't even have the energy to care for myself, let alone all these other needs around me. This could be because I am not aware of how much energy I'm spending fighting life, or trying to anticipate and affect what's going to come next in life.

I always thought I spent too much energy on myself - trying to understand myself, change myself, invent myself, love myself. I don't think I was trying to change me at all - I was trying to change life. Really working on changing me requires first accepting who I am, and I've never really done that.