And possible weeping and gnashing of teeth. The black hole of my ADD brain is reaching its inky fingers into my heart and soul, chanting hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. Everywhere I turn there is some area of my life that needs work; that needs planning and execution of a plan. Everywhere I look there is something I want to improve about myself or my surroundings. I know I've read that it's important to focus on my strengths, but that is not easy to do when said strengths are not readily visible. And it's been this way so long, I'm not certain I remember what they were (are?).
Today's sermon was on the parable of the ten talents. I am beginning to hate that story. I don't know what I'm supposed to take from that. And since there is nothing I can point to and say, "here, God, is your return on your investment in me", I am left to conclude that I am the wicked and lazy servant who buried their talent. Just to state the obvious - how the heck does that help me live the life God wants me to live?
This ADD feels like a large vehicle parked on top of me. I can't see, at this moment, how I will ever accomplish anything beyond keeping my family from starving or freezing to death. I always thought I had so much to offer, could accomplish fantastic things. Now, it seems, I have to lower my expectations waaaaaaay down, look around me and say, "this is all I'm capable of." It doesn't feel right. My brain is yelling at me, "There's no reason you can't rock this life." But it seems I can't.
1 comment:
I can certainly relate to everything you are saying here! I have been wondering how I am to accomplish anything worthwhile when it is an uphill battle just to feed and clothe my family let alone clean anything! But I have learned that there is a time for everything. And for awhile now it has been my time to be constructively selfish, at least that's what my therapist called it. Time to explore what it means to be me and learn what needs to change in order for me to grow. She encouraged me to set aside my stress about accomplishments and goals and just focus on me and my needs as a person. At first I felt very selfish doing that but soon realized how necessary it was. I think the results have been worth it, despite the feelings of purposelessness that have plagued me at times.
I think that you need to cut yourself some slack. Moving is a major stressor in life and with ADD it is even more stressful. Lowering your expectations of yourself would be more than wise in my opinion. So much decision making is involved and the weight of your unrealistic expectations of yourself on top of all that will be too much to bear. It's hard but you have to let those expectations slide off your back. Easier said than done I know. Sometimes it's a process I have to repeat dozens of times a day! Hang in there!
Post a Comment