I'm thinking of starting a campaign to revert to the old name for ADD - Minimal Brain Dysfunction. Or, similarly, Minimal Brain Damage. I'm just not totally sold on the "Minimal" part yet.

This is day 2 of barely keeping it together. I seem to be experiencing almost total loss of brain function. Or at least the kind of functions that we've come to assume we can rely on in day-to-day life. I've been childless for 3 hours now. And all I've done, before starting this post, is sit and watch my mind jump here and there like I don't know what because I've lost the analogy I was going to use.

It's like my brain is moving so fast that it seems as if I'm standing still, but then suddenly I am somewhere else (thoughtwise) with no idea how I got there, and there's no time to try to rewind because, whoa, now I'm somewhere entirely different.

I've wasted yesterday and I cannot decide for the life of me what to do today. I have many things I could do - I just can't pick one.

So I think I'll do what I often do when I can't get anything done at home - go to the mall and spend some money. To give an example of how far I've come in managing my brain damage, I will point out that I am not going on a spree of indiscriminate spending. I am only spending money that has already been allotted on items I've already decided to purchase.

I can't stop my brain from going wherever it likes, but I can anticipate the destination and plan an intervention.

Hope

I am having this strange sensation, and I only just recognized what it is - it's hope! I don't know where it came from exactly, but that's what it is. It isn't like I've had some dramatic spiritual awakening. I've just started being more honest, and I guess along with that I've become more accepting - of the frailty of human beings, and of the sinful state of the world we live in, and, it follows, accepting of God's faithful love and grace. I was always kinda repulsed by my own sinfulness. I assume others would be repulsed as well. But somehow God is not repulsed. How did Christ draw near to the most unclean and degraded people around him? He honestly saw beyond their sinfulness to something more important. I don't end with my sinful nature; there's more to me than that. I think that's what God sees and I'm seeking to see that as well. And to see beyond others' sin and really be able to love them.

Starbucks, my Starbucks

While I maintain that Starbucks is my friend - their non-fat lattes will keep my bones intact til I'm 100 - I was, until tonight, blissfully unaware of the evil lurking behind the steamed milk and espresso.I was returning from dance class (for the children, not me) with plans to hit the drive-thru for a latte and 6 points burning a hole in my tracker and thought mayhaps I would have a cookie. Yes they're fairly big cookies, but I had 6 points. 6 points is a whole lunch entree - methinks it should cover a cookie.After consuming said cookie, I went online to track down its nutritional details. Why estimate when I can get the exact figures? This is where my rare pocket of food naivete meets cold, hard reality. This delicious cookie is ------460 calories-------, -------22 grams of fat-------, -------11 points------. It's a cookie, people!In shock, I stare at my computer monitor with sure and final knowledge, woefully laced with disbelief, that I will never enjoy this cookie again. Not the way I did pre-9/17. In the post-9/17 culture of my mind I will never again assume that an item's capacity to hold fat or sugar is limited by it's size or by ages old baking truths wherein flour + butter + sugar + eggs = cookies that wouldn't reach 460 calories if they were the size of your head.And the worst part? I immediately crave more. Not only is it the most calorie dense cookie known to man but it makes you crave more of whatever is in it that adds up to 460 calories.