the search for internet...

finally... computer...can I, does it....?? Here I am at Elkhorn resort and have finally found a window of opportunity with an internet connection! Man I'm weighed down. This week I've been feeling very close to an emotional precipice. I feel this lust for expression - I want to scream, and scream obscenities at that, and throw things and then walk away. I want to stop trying to be reasonable, and considerate, and loving. *$@! it! (I'm only censoring for the sake of those of you reading) I don't want to care anymore! and I feel very close to not caring. that is what is so frightening. I feel very close to some sort of break with myself; as in if I were to fall/jump over this edge I would not be myself anymore. I don't want to not be me, but I really feel it is just too unbearable. I've felt this way before and gotten through intact. But this time it isn't just the pain inside my head and my chest, it's the allure of freedom, of acceptance, of peace.

I also realize I've fallen back into that pit of thinking if I can only pull it together and stop being such a loser I'll be able to reconnect with God. that is such a crappy lie. He doesn't want me to do more - it's me, or someone else, or satan, who wants more than i have right now. God just wants me to be, and to be with Him.

I read an article this morning, an interview with Sheryl Crow, and she said after 44 years of work, work, work, she finally understood that "when there's nothing to do, do nothing". Maybe that's what I'm fighting here. Maybe being home for my children means I don't really have much to do. Maybe I should just enjoy doing nothing. I'm so sure I'm failing at life because I'm not accomplishing anything quantifiable in a day. I feel I'm wasting time all day long. But if I wasn't "wasting " that time, what would I be doing? Assuming I'm still home with the girls, I'd be cleaning, doing laundry, or playing princesses. None of those things are actually necessary to the work of loving my kids and raising them. (I mean the laundry and cleaning is getting done eventually) Maybe the "supermoms" clean all day to keep from losing their sanity. well I need to blog and read and do crosswords to keep mine. Why oh why am I so down on myself? Is it hopeless? Are we taught as children to either give ourselves a flipping break or break ourselves over our unreachable standards? I gotta go have a coffee.