the search for internet...

finally... computer...can I, does it....?? Here I am at Elkhorn resort and have finally found a window of opportunity with an internet connection! Man I'm weighed down. This week I've been feeling very close to an emotional precipice. I feel this lust for expression - I want to scream, and scream obscenities at that, and throw things and then walk away. I want to stop trying to be reasonable, and considerate, and loving. *$@! it! (I'm only censoring for the sake of those of you reading) I don't want to care anymore! and I feel very close to not caring. that is what is so frightening. I feel very close to some sort of break with myself; as in if I were to fall/jump over this edge I would not be myself anymore. I don't want to not be me, but I really feel it is just too unbearable. I've felt this way before and gotten through intact. But this time it isn't just the pain inside my head and my chest, it's the allure of freedom, of acceptance, of peace.

I also realize I've fallen back into that pit of thinking if I can only pull it together and stop being such a loser I'll be able to reconnect with God. that is such a crappy lie. He doesn't want me to do more - it's me, or someone else, or satan, who wants more than i have right now. God just wants me to be, and to be with Him.

I read an article this morning, an interview with Sheryl Crow, and she said after 44 years of work, work, work, she finally understood that "when there's nothing to do, do nothing". Maybe that's what I'm fighting here. Maybe being home for my children means I don't really have much to do. Maybe I should just enjoy doing nothing. I'm so sure I'm failing at life because I'm not accomplishing anything quantifiable in a day. I feel I'm wasting time all day long. But if I wasn't "wasting " that time, what would I be doing? Assuming I'm still home with the girls, I'd be cleaning, doing laundry, or playing princesses. None of those things are actually necessary to the work of loving my kids and raising them. (I mean the laundry and cleaning is getting done eventually) Maybe the "supermoms" clean all day to keep from losing their sanity. well I need to blog and read and do crosswords to keep mine. Why oh why am I so down on myself? Is it hopeless? Are we taught as children to either give ourselves a flipping break or break ourselves over our unreachable standards? I gotta go have a coffee.

busy, busy, busy. y'know how you're supposed to find ways to motivate yourself when you're at home? what if the only thing that motivates you to do "home" work, is being away from home? i gotta tell ya - it's got me stumped.

It's funny how i approach this blog as I do everyone else's, with some sort of expectation that something might be different today. I don't know who I think would be logging on to make changes while I'm off-line. Maybe I think my other personalities might start blogging thus giving some insight into my "lost-time" episodes and other unexplainable personality glitches. I think on some level we all wish we had multiple personalities. Integration is tough, man. It's tough.

So I'm feeling fairly accomplished this afternoon. This morning I had 6 children 5 yrs. and under in my care for 3 hours and we all survived. I think there should be some sort of formal recognition for this kind of thing. It's like some sort of "trial-by-fire" or something. Shouldn't I get a pin, or a sticker or something? Nah - I get the satisfaction of helping out a friend, which was what I wanted out of doing it anyway.

So - the topic of the year in this house continues to be - money!! I'm so sick of talking about money. My husband and I tried to articulate what each of our biggest concerns was regarding our money. He said he's come to understand that we have very different styles of managing money. I know what he really thinks is that I am a financial stump and think money just falls out of the sky from above me somewhere, but I applaud his restraint and tact in choosing nicer words. I don't think I was equally diplomatic. I think I said he justs wants to hoard his money so he can dream about spending it. The more you hoard, the bigger you can dream. Eventually he will dream us onto a Caribbean cruise and a houseboat in the Shushwap, a big house in the country and a BMW roadster to play with. I, however, will be cold because I have no winter jacket, bored because we can't get cable or satellite or something, and sitting on the floor for want of living room furniture!! I guess dreams are easier to take when you have a job that pays for your clothes and new vehicle and trips to fancy resorts in exotic locations. I wonder how I'll feel if my husband ever asks to read my blog. That's probably one of those foresight things. Oh well.

I guess, since my job doesn't have those perks, I'm going to have to be really clear about what I want and make it happen. Man - I've been way too easy-going all my life! I gotta get a little more demanding. Don't you think? That's not so bad, is it? Cause if that's not reasonable, you know, I'm okay without those things. I mean, really, I'm fine. It was just a thought.

language

Somedays language is overrated.
I would leave it behind,
just for awhile,
and just be.

My thoughts would sound like music
unbound from any score.
My soul would sink down,
embedding itself in soft, warm earth.

Language wants to take flight;
I want to dig down.
Down to where it is dark
and silent.

Where the word "silence"
need not be spoken.
Wh

tomorrow

I've no time for tomorrow
why is there tomorrow?
straining toward a tomorrow never gained
tomorrow is hope
tomorrow is hopeless
if I could take back from yesterday and borrow from tomorrow, would today be all I wish it to be?
tomorrow is blue, sheer, and frothy
why do we worry about spelling tomorrow correctly?
why do we discern between today and tomorrow?
who will I be tomorrow?
anticipating a tomorrow that will not come
I'll see you tomorrow.

Midlife Crisis or Genesis?

My husband thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. This morning I told him I was going to be honest about my feelings, needs, wishes, and he asked me, "Is this a mid-life crisis?" Well, maybe it is a crisis - for him. No more 3rd and 4th arm to assist him, no more personal assistant to toss his leftover details on, and no more crutch for emotional and personal insecurities. He's on his own. To clarify, I will provide the best in love and friendship, help and support that I can - but his happiness, his effectiveness, his purpose in this world is all in his hands. It always was, but he thought my job was to help him carry it. Consequently neither of us were very happy with each other. I can see how this would constitute a crisis for him.

I, on the other hand, feel reborn. If it helps my husband accept it, he can label it as a mid-life crisis (I always was a little ahead of myself in personal growth stages). If I had to label it, I'd call it a re-genesis. But I don't have to.

It's what I do.

New decision. I'm a writer. Apparently, it's what I do. My husband just freaked out on me as I could imagine him freaking out upon discovering I had lost one of our children. I was writing and I lost 45 minutes - I'm sure most of you can relate - and I burned the rice dry. I could have burned the house down (he thinks). My response? I was writing, I didn't notice, we're all fine, don't have a cow.

I think that will be my response from now on. I was writing, or researching, or thinking - because I'm a writer. It's what I do.

So, how was your year? Mine was interesting.

Okay, now that we're all caught up - let us ponder the intrinsic meaning of numbers. It seems that every person has an associated value with particular number. For example, 58 can seem to be a much higher number than 60. And 38 can be 40. Now that I'm 38 years old (2 weeks tomorrow) I feel that some invisible boundary has been crossed. I feel I have earned the right to say - enough. Enough pretending i can be all things to all people; enough pretending I can do it all; enough believing I can meet every need another person brings before me and still maintain a state of physical/mental/spiritual and emotional health for myself. I'm done.

Now, when I was 37 I was riddled with doubt, confusion, and feelings of inadequacy. I'm so much more mature now. But somehow 37 freaked me out. For the first time in my life I was uncomfortable, even afraid of, my age. I was almost 40. How could I be almost 40 and still feel so inadequate? Immature? Still trying to please everyone? Still looking for someone else to tell me I was enough - smart enough, talented enough, brave enough. As my birthday loomed closer I started thinking about what bothered me about turning 38. It was being almost 40 - and feeling the obvious discrepancy between how long I've been living this life and how little I've accomplished. But I knew it was coming and I'd better find a way to reconcile with it. My new favorite magazine is entitled More, and it is all about and aimed at women over 40. It seems I'm not alone. Many women feel that they didn't really enter into their lives with confidence and peace until well into their 40's or even 50's. As Megan Mullaly said, "I had the same talent in my 20's, I just didn't believe in it.". So I decided - my 40's are here, what am I going to do with them? And I am experiencing a great sense of freedom and empowerment with this acceptance.

So, I'm done. How do you decide what you should do? Look at what needs to be done, at who could get it done, and do what you want to do. Now that, my friends, is radical.